I thought I could not have a dream, and realise my heart's desires until I had enough money to do what I wanted. And so, I did not allow myself to want what I desired. 

I was talking with my friends and sharing what we want in another group and one of them said, “I want to create a retreat centre and I am planning various things for it!  I’m having fun doing it, however, I don't have money for it yet!” He looked very happy and joyful :)

My friend in Japan was sharing her dream of also creating a retreat centre in the countryside of my hometown. And she also looked very happy! 

I felt they were living for their life, not just surviving, even though they may not have enough money yet. 

We are giving so much power to money by not allowing ourselves to have dreams and pursue what we want.

Do our dreams and desires have something to do with money?

I learned that we need it to survive and manifest our dreams, but our life has nothing to do with money… our body dies when we are ready to leave this world and has nothing to do with money. So then our life must have nothing to do with money! 

Being truly alive depends on the free expression of our heart and her desires. When we lose them, our sense of living dies and we just survive thinking that money has absolute power over us. 

I’m now wealthy with my joyful vision and aspirations, not so much restricted by a bank balance. I am much more than my bank balance!.

There may be vulnerable emotions and feelings surrounding our heart desires. 
In my case, it was unworthy to acknowledge and communicate those vulnerable emotions with myself and others.  “Who cares about them anyway…” So my heart gave up expressing them.
Instead, I perceived expressions of vulnerabilities as problems that needed to be solved.
Therefore, I became a super solution-driven person.  Offering solutions to problems to others made me feel worthy of living.  Being solution-driven means issues needed to exist in the first place and consequently, I was attracting issues constantly one after another.  It was a coping mechanism coming from the feeling of worthlessness.  This was my perception, not the truth. 
Fear and pain coming from the sense of worthlessness were suppressed to the point that I did not feel it anymore.  In fact, there were no more solutions to the feeling of unworthiness unless it was to be expressed and understood. 


Those expressions are the source of our creativity and the power that we are. 
I knew deep within that I am worthy and had been waiting to be discovered and felt all these years. Interestingly, our deep knowing is gained through experiencing the vulnerability.  


“I am not worthy” = “I want to feel worth of myself.” = “I am worthy.”


Your inner voice needs to be heard and your heart desires to be expressed, not only to yourself but also to others, because your voice will resonate with the others’ inner voice. That is how we know who we are.

I’d like to share the before-and-after of my painting which took two years to complete.
This painting taught me so much about self-trust.
 
Initially, I wanted to paint how Gaia (the earth) was created. I resonate so much with the energy of her creation.  We all have the same energy within us, otherwise, we wouldn’t exist here on this earth in the first place. The life you create from your heart's desire is the same frequency as Gaia’s.
 
Furthermore, I wanted to use all colours.  But using all colours was very challenging for me because the more colours we use, the more chances to make it into a mess. Well, at least with my skill 🙂
 
In the beginning, I was painting with joy and excitement.  Then I wanted to add a volcano. That caused an obstacle in the flow.   Painting the volcano became my obsession and tried to make a balance between the colours of other parts and the volcano's.  But the more I adjusted to make it fit in and regain the flow, the more the entire painting became a disaster.
 
In the end, I stared at the volcano for 2 years. The more I stared at it, the more I disliked the entire painting. I ended up putting it away in our hallway with other paintings so that it was not in my face 24/7.
 
But I still really wanted to complete it.  4-5 months ago, I picked up a brush and resumed painting. I removed the volcano.  It finally regained its flow and I completed it.  I felt so good!
 
The beautiful balance cannot be made only by adjusting colours around our obsession. But it can be made when my body (hand) listens to my heart, rather than my mind.
 
A beautiful balance of colours in the entire painting is made by expressing yourself from your heart every moment.  We may not know exactly what the end result will look like. It is rather unknown. But we have the intention of wanting to paint a certain theme.  But how we go about it is we need to experience vast expressions of our heart.  That is how we know who we are, the entire painting!
 
When I think of the big picture to be perfect so much, I become indecisive at every moment about which colours to use due to my obsession with the balance of the entire colours.  Then it stops its flow. Painting itself ends up completely stopping.
 
But if you just use a colour following your heart every moment without obsessive thought and perfection, there will be a perfect balance in the colours in the small parts and the colours in the entire painting.  And this balance is beauty.
 
Our being and life are exactly that!
 
The title of the painting is “Your True Colours”